So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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