i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
