Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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