you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
