remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Randomize
