he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
