The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
Just cropdusted the office
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
