know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
