how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
