I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
