the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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