Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
