I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
