I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
send nudes
from the living room?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize