You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
