sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
