Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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