I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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