Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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