saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
