I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
