I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
