I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
