Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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