I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize