I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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