Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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