Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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