We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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