i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
