Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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