it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
