If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize