This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
