I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
tell me about the eggs
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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