first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
