The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
