All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Randomize
