in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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