Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
