I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
