His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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