pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
