remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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