I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I feel like death gave me a hand job
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
