I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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