I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
