so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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