All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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