You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
