Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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