Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
