Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
