you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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