im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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