You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
