I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
